Lucidia Lohman

Lucidia’s First Dispatch

You are probably wondering why you haven’t heard from me yet. Well, aside from the fact that I just recently developed movable fingers and an auditory system that works in order to acquire and develop language, let’s face it—it’s damn near impossible to get wi-fi in utero.

Well, it appears my earthly guardians—that lady at the end of the feeding tube (she always says her name is “Mom”) and the guy she always hangs out with (she calls him lots of different names, but a three-letter one I hear often with “Mom” has been “Dad”) have decided upon the name Lucidia Rose Lohman for me. I think that’s pretty cool. Granted, I’m worried about people nicknaming me Ludicrous, but I think that’s a pretty cool word too.

So here I am, Lucidia Rose Lohman, and I’m hanging out right now. Mom says I’m almost 25 weeks gestated, which sounds really old, but I think she’s almost 27 years old, and that’s, like, super old, so I think I’m doing alright. (She found a gray hair the other day. Boy, was she mad! I couldn’t stop laughing!)

My favorite meal right now is a big pile of French fries with Ranch dressing on the side (and not that fat-free garbage). I can’t get enough of that stuff! You see, here in utero, most of you don’t remember, but we fetuses have access to the maternal card catalog. That gives us free reign over just about anything we can get our hands on. So I’ve been going through Mom’s catalog to see what she likes, doesn’t like, what she knows, who she likes—all that stuff. Whatever I’m in the mood for, I order it through this tubey thing, and then magically it shows up, like, a short time later. It’s really an efficient service. Mom says it has something to do with something called “evolution,” but I think it’s more like a bell I can ring whenever I need something.

So I order French fries a lot. I’m also into peanut butter. I can’t get enough of that nutty stuff. I go crazy for it. And if I don’t get what I want, I just kick and pull this tubey thing some more until she gives it to me. And I don’t accept the substitutes. She tried that once. She knows it because I give it back to her in the form of what she calls “heartburn.” She doesn’t like that at all. She uses a lot of four-letter words when I give her that. I’ll teach her yet. If I remember she says these naughty things, I’m totally telling her mom.

I’m also loving the song “Starry-Eyed Surprise” right now. I dance every time Mom plays it. I don’t know the words yet–all I hear is wa wa wa wa wa–but I think I’ll pick it up soon. It’s just such an awesome beat. I kick every time. Mom thinks it’s cute. I don’t think she’ll think it’s cute in about 5 weeks when I’m over 5 pounds.

And right now I only weigh about 2 pounds. I’m going to gain a half a pound a week for the remaining time in the pregnancy. I’m finally getting my baby fat. Mom’s getting some fat too. I always hear her complaining about something called “cankles” and “tree-trunk legs” and “double chins” or something. I don’t really pay attention. I’m too busy trying to get French fries. Oh, and I also love Whoppers.

I heard Mom telling a funny story recently about Whoppers. It was the Thursday before Mom and Dad found out I was created, and Mom wanted a Whopper for lunch—with mayonnaise (oh, man, I love that stuff too)—and as she was eating it, she said to Dad, “You know, I don’t even like mayo. In fact, I absolutely loathe mayo.” She said that’s how she kind of figured she was pregnant. She’d never even touch the stuff otherwise. Sure enough, on April 5, I let the two little pink lines show up. I figured it was time. I was almost 4 weeks gestated at that time. I knew it was the time because she was going to have a nice gin ‘n’ tonic with a lime, and I don’t do too well with that stuff, so I figured I’d better tell her before she poured that first glass. She ended up putting the Bombay Sapphire gin back in the fridge. Sometimes I catch her pining over it when she thinks no one’s looking. I kick her and request some peanut butter. She usually forgets what she wanted in the fridge to begin with after that.

She calls that “pregnancy brain.” Apparently, she’s forgetting everything or otherwise acting rather (what she calls) “hormonally.” See? She made this thing:

I think that’s pretty accurate. I’ve seen her place stuff in the fridge that should have gone in the oven and other stuff like that. One time I think she put her keys in the fridge. One day she started crying at a commercial about an old guy who needed health insurance. And she gets super angry when she plays the Wii. She’s one strange bird, that Mom, but I like her. I think I’m going to look like her.

Dad is a cool guy, too. He talks to me a lot, and he always rubs Mom’s “cankles” when she asks him too. Mom said he is making me a Web site. (I hope it’s not lame. My apologies if it is. I had nothing to do with it.) I guess Dad wants to share me with everyone. When he found out I was a girl, Mom told me he was driving and yelling out the window, “I love my daughter!” Mom said it was cute. I think that’s silly. But really, he’s a cool guy. He plays guitar. I wish he’d write a song about me and sing it to me. I would also like him to start reading me some stories.

Dad also painted, wallpapered, and cleaned up my soon-to-be nursery. (What a cool guy he is. I think Mom picked a good one, if you ask me.) Mom wants the nursery decorated in all duckies and froggies. I like duckies and froggies! They’re so cute. One goes “ribbit”; the other goes “quack quack.” Ha. I crack myself up just thinking about it. I think I’ll do a somersault now.

Well, I should end this. It’s a lot of work for a fetus to write stuff. I’m going to sit right here on this thing marked “bladder” and get some shut eye. Mom should too, because after I get here, she’ll never sleep again. And if she thinks it’s bad now, just wait til I’m 16 and ready to go on birth control. Lady, save that gin. You’re going to need it.

1. JennBrenn @ 9:50 am
   on September 4th, 2008
   LuLu- We all can’t wait for the newest boop to finally arrive!!!!
2. laurelsmama @ 11:38 am
   on September 4th, 2008
   OMG, Lulu is adorable. What a clever girl
3. Allison Cunningham @ 12:48 pm
   on September 4th, 2008
   Hey Lulu Bean! Your Auntie Allison (aka Sass) and your cousin Wynter can’t wait to meet you! Oh and btw, ease off of Mommy’s bladder…..
4. Krystal @ 5:35 pm
   on September 4th, 2008
   Lulu your Mommy needs a hobby….Maybe collecting troll dolls…Don’t worry I’ll tell you what they are soon…
5. Korean Auntie @ 10:52 pm
   on September 4th, 2008
   This website is wonderful, Kelly and Thom, you should teach me how to set this up when I get pregnant ( will be years away though ). Can’t wait to see Lulu in person !

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